I've got a case of the spring fever pretty bad today. I've been on a serious roll with work; accomplished quite a bit and saved the company all sorts of money, but my mind is on the sunshine staring at me from across the room. It's saying, "come on out, enjoy the my beaming beauty and go shopping for a few hours, just by yourself". I would love to do that today (seriously, nothing makes me happier than shopping) but per my tax hell yesterday, I don't think that's looking very good. Let's just say, I cried for a fourth year straight.
So, bad me hasn't gone to the gym all week and I'm starting to loathe myself which means I better go tonight. I figure what better way to get exercise because I can watch all my NBC Thursday night shows in peace while I'm working on my tush. I love the Office, although it's been kind of weird lately. And, although I've taken time off from watching ER, I have to see the finale. I want to have it on so that if my Mom's around she can catch it, too. She loved that show and started watching the reruns again after she retired from work. I'll catch it tonight in her honor.
Ugh, the housewives were on fire this week! Let's call Kelly cray-cray (short for crazy x 2). I think there was some drug usage going on before her altercation with Bethanney. It was like the meeting of the bug eyed twins, with one of them in full effect. That batshit cray-cray made no sense when she was talking and when she shot out the "too bad" when B said she'd been waiting 30 minutes, it would've taken everything I had not to slap her face. Talk about childish. And then she's with this hot guy acting like a total idiot with those pink shoes??? wow.
I really like Jill and I think her husband's sweet. He totally loves her and takes care of her. I also love Luanne and I think she always looks great clothes, hair and shoe-wise. Although she can be kind of an ass about the whole manners thing, I think she does have the most class out of the bunch. I also want my hair cut like hers and I think I'm going to do it on my next appointment.
You know what I think, a Real Housewives of Sonoma...we would totally kick ass and be the most popular. Although, none of my friends or I are rich, so I guess that wouldn't work.
Anyhoo...back to work, big sigh.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
tax hell and fool's day
I'm not a big fan of April Fool's Day, never have been. Never ever had the desire to trick anyone and never liked getting tricked. However, now that we have a 4 & 6 year old, I have to play the game and act as if I love it with all my heart. The girls have been talking about it all week, planning their attack on their Daddy. Last night I sat in their room listening to them whisper-giggle idea after idea on what we should do:
"put crackers in his bed!" I don't think he'd like that
"put his belt in the shower?" again, I don't think so
"switch the cereals around?" great, did it with success this morning
"put sugar on the baseball bat?" what the?
"ok, how about hiding the baseball bat and balls in your closet?" sounded great as they play bb outside each evening so this was a definite yes
"put the shampoo in the conditioner bottle?" I vetoed
"hide his keys!"
"tell him it's Friday!"
"put his socks in his shoes...you, know at the top part so he can't get his feet in, heeheeheehee"...girls after my own evil heart, definitely another yes
This went on until I had to stop it. They're so cute and so excited for the second part of their plan this afternoon. I've been instructed to pick them up early so they have time to execute. We tried to think of some things last night and all we came up with is food coloring in the milk, turn their chairs upside down and put their cereal on a plate with a fork. They thought that was the cat's meow. Success!
It's dreaded tax doing time at our house and I'm so not looking forward to it. Every year we wait until the last minute and every year for the past four we've had to pay money. It's really our least favorite thing in the world, especially since our tax lady is semi-retired and it takes about 3 painful hours to complete.
Since we purchased a home this past year, I'm hoping we bring it home good this year. Lots to pay off and do around the house, so it would be nice. Things have been tough for the past few months so we need a ray of sunshine into our lives. Can I get an amen!
"put crackers in his bed!" I don't think he'd like that
"put his belt in the shower?" again, I don't think so
"switch the cereals around?" great, did it with success this morning
"put sugar on the baseball bat?" what the?
"ok, how about hiding the baseball bat and balls in your closet?" sounded great as they play bb outside each evening so this was a definite yes
"put the shampoo in the conditioner bottle?" I vetoed
"hide his keys!"
"tell him it's Friday!"
"put his socks in his shoes...you, know at the top part so he can't get his feet in, heeheeheehee"...girls after my own evil heart, definitely another yes
This went on until I had to stop it. They're so cute and so excited for the second part of their plan this afternoon. I've been instructed to pick them up early so they have time to execute. We tried to think of some things last night and all we came up with is food coloring in the milk, turn their chairs upside down and put their cereal on a plate with a fork. They thought that was the cat's meow. Success!
It's dreaded tax doing time at our house and I'm so not looking forward to it. Every year we wait until the last minute and every year for the past four we've had to pay money. It's really our least favorite thing in the world, especially since our tax lady is semi-retired and it takes about 3 painful hours to complete.
Since we purchased a home this past year, I'm hoping we bring it home good this year. Lots to pay off and do around the house, so it would be nice. Things have been tough for the past few months so we need a ray of sunshine into our lives. Can I get an amen!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Confessions of a cheeseaholic...
I have a love affair with cheese. To me, cheese is the best thing that nature + man can produce for us to eat.
Alone, with bread and olive oil, as part of a charcuterie or antipasti, on soup, with garlic, as a spread, on burgers, tacos, sandwiches, with figs or pears or apples or strawberries, with any kind of nut, as fondue...hell, I'd eat cheese anywhere, anytime. If you're having me over, and there's a cheese appetizer or dish of any sort, mama's going to eat all of it.
I like them hard, soft, semi-soft, creamy, moldy, stinky, bumpy, and everywhere in between. If I were to die and had a last supper request, that would be a plate of the best cheeses from around the world, sliced pears, Sonoma sourdough bread, baked garlic, spiced nuts, fig spread and arugula, all with a bottle of crisp Sauvignon blanc. That's my last supper and I would die a happy woman.
I think this will be my new recipe to try for next party:
Roasted baby pears with herbed goat cheese (note the bacon wrap)
Courtesy of my boy, Tyler Florence, whom I used to have a crush on and almost attempted to get him to come over for a Food 911 alert, but then he got chubby and married and I no longer found him useful. However, I feel he's a great chef on my fave channel that always delivers with his recipes.
My other fave...Giada de laurentiis. It's kind of annoying how damn cute she is but I love her cooking...it reminds me of my Mom's cooking and it looks delicious and mostly easy. Although I get distracted by the fact that her arms are very tiny compared to her head/body when watching her many shows, I enjoy the food. This is what I'll be trying this weekend for March Madness:
Pizzettes with caramelized onions, goat cheese and prosciutto (might use a different cheese to mix it up)...
Holy hell, it looks good. The little pizza thin wafer things look so yummy and it's totally easy!
I found a great recipe online yesterday from the infamous Martha Stewart. I watch her daughter's show more than her own cause she bugs, but I do love her style and recipes. I wish I could've been given .4% of the creativity and perfectionism she has, but oh well. I'd rather be personable. Here is what they call the $40 mac n cheese (cause of how much the damn thing's going to cost you) which I have to have:
Ingredients
8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, plus more for casserole 6 slices white bread, crusts removed, torn into 1/4- to l/2-inch pieces 5 1/2 cups milk 1/2 cup all-purpose flour 2 teaspoons coarse salt, plus more for water 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper 4 1/2 cups (about 18 ounces) grated sharp white cheddar cheese 2 cups (about 8 ounces) grated Gruyère or 1 1/4 cups (about 5 ounces) grated Pecorino Romano cheese 1 pound elbow macaroni
Procedure
1. Preheat oven to 375°F. Butter a 3-quart casserole dish; set aside. Place the bread in a medium bowl. In a small saucepan over medium heat, melt 2 tablespoons butter. Pour the melted butter into the bowl with the bread, and toss. Set the breadcrumbs aside.
2. Warm the milk in a medium saucepan over medium heat. Melt the remaining 6 tablespoons butter in a high-sided skillet over medium heat. When the butter bubbles, add the flour. Cook, stirring, 1 minute.
3. While whisking, slowly pour in the hot milk a little at a time to keep mixture smooth. Continue cooking, whisking constantly, until the mixture bubbles and becomes thick, 8 to 12 minutes.
4. Remove the pan from the heat. Stir in salt, nutmeg, black pepper, cayenne pepper, 3 cups cheddar cheese, and 1 1/2 cups Gruyère (or 1 cup Pecorino Romano); set the cheese sauce aside.
5. Cover a large pot of salted water, and bring to a boil. Cook the macaroni until the outside of pasta is cooked and the inside is underdone, 2 to 3 minutes. Transfer the macaroni to a colander, rinse under cold running water, and drain well. Stir the macaroni into the reserved cheese sauce.
6. Pour the mixture into the prepared dish. Sprinkle the remaining 1 1/2 cups cheddar cheese, 1/2 cup Gruyère (or 1/4 cup Pecorino Romano), and the breadcrumbs over the top. Bake until golden brown, about 30 minutes. Transfer the dish to a wire rack for 5 minutes; serve.
Doesn't that sound good? I'm on a budget right now, so this will be referred in our home as "payday mac n cheese".
Alone, with bread and olive oil, as part of a charcuterie or antipasti, on soup, with garlic, as a spread, on burgers, tacos, sandwiches, with figs or pears or apples or strawberries, with any kind of nut, as fondue...hell, I'd eat cheese anywhere, anytime. If you're having me over, and there's a cheese appetizer or dish of any sort, mama's going to eat all of it.
I like them hard, soft, semi-soft, creamy, moldy, stinky, bumpy, and everywhere in between. If I were to die and had a last supper request, that would be a plate of the best cheeses from around the world, sliced pears, Sonoma sourdough bread, baked garlic, spiced nuts, fig spread and arugula, all with a bottle of crisp Sauvignon blanc. That's my last supper and I would die a happy woman.
I think this will be my new recipe to try for next party:
Roasted baby pears with herbed goat cheese (note the bacon wrap)Courtesy of my boy, Tyler Florence, whom I used to have a crush on and almost attempted to get him to come over for a Food 911 alert, but then he got chubby and married and I no longer found him useful. However, I feel he's a great chef on my fave channel that always delivers with his recipes.
My other fave...Giada de laurentiis. It's kind of annoying how damn cute she is but I love her cooking...it reminds me of my Mom's cooking and it looks delicious and mostly easy. Although I get distracted by the fact that her arms are very tiny compared to her head/body when watching her many shows, I enjoy the food. This is what I'll be trying this weekend for March Madness:
Pizzettes with caramelized onions, goat cheese and prosciutto (might use a different cheese to mix it up)...
Holy hell, it looks good. The little pizza thin wafer things look so yummy and it's totally easy!
I found a great recipe online yesterday from the infamous Martha Stewart. I watch her daughter's show more than her own cause she bugs, but I do love her style and recipes. I wish I could've been given .4% of the creativity and perfectionism she has, but oh well. I'd rather be personable. Here is what they call the $40 mac n cheese (cause of how much the damn thing's going to cost you) which I have to have:
Ingredients
8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, plus more for casserole 6 slices white bread, crusts removed, torn into 1/4- to l/2-inch pieces 5 1/2 cups milk 1/2 cup all-purpose flour 2 teaspoons coarse salt, plus more for water 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper 4 1/2 cups (about 18 ounces) grated sharp white cheddar cheese 2 cups (about 8 ounces) grated Gruyère or 1 1/4 cups (about 5 ounces) grated Pecorino Romano cheese 1 pound elbow macaroni
Procedure
1. Preheat oven to 375°F. Butter a 3-quart casserole dish; set aside. Place the bread in a medium bowl. In a small saucepan over medium heat, melt 2 tablespoons butter. Pour the melted butter into the bowl with the bread, and toss. Set the breadcrumbs aside.
2. Warm the milk in a medium saucepan over medium heat. Melt the remaining 6 tablespoons butter in a high-sided skillet over medium heat. When the butter bubbles, add the flour. Cook, stirring, 1 minute.
3. While whisking, slowly pour in the hot milk a little at a time to keep mixture smooth. Continue cooking, whisking constantly, until the mixture bubbles and becomes thick, 8 to 12 minutes.
4. Remove the pan from the heat. Stir in salt, nutmeg, black pepper, cayenne pepper, 3 cups cheddar cheese, and 1 1/2 cups Gruyère (or 1 cup Pecorino Romano); set the cheese sauce aside.
5. Cover a large pot of salted water, and bring to a boil. Cook the macaroni until the outside of pasta is cooked and the inside is underdone, 2 to 3 minutes. Transfer the macaroni to a colander, rinse under cold running water, and drain well. Stir the macaroni into the reserved cheese sauce.
6. Pour the mixture into the prepared dish. Sprinkle the remaining 1 1/2 cups cheddar cheese, 1/2 cup Gruyère (or 1/4 cup Pecorino Romano), and the breadcrumbs over the top. Bake until golden brown, about 30 minutes. Transfer the dish to a wire rack for 5 minutes; serve.
Doesn't that sound good? I'm on a budget right now, so this will be referred in our home as "payday mac n cheese".
Monday, March 30, 2009
Feeling the burn
My calves hurt. I mean, my calves really hurt, like pain + numbness + cramps. This is all due to the fact that I've decided to become a work-out queen.
You see, I'm working with bad genes; I really got the worst of the worst from premature hair loss, teenage acne in my 30's and chubby body. Thank goodness I have "a good personality".
Due to my fat, flat ass (which used to be round and admired but flattened out a few years ago ), huge thighs and calves that don't match (it's like flamingo legs on the bottom, turkey legs on the top) and arms that jiggle like my third grade teacher's did whenever she wrote on the chalkboard, I've decided to join the gym and work on my body, mind and soul. I'd say it's working, as my body feels like it's had the flu for the past month and I cried like a baby after my workout yesterday.
I met with a trainer for my first workout last week and have been going almost daily since. She's very nice and I told her exactly what my goal was: lose weight, get healthy and de-stress. That day, I did a lot of cardio (which I love) with a mix of pilates, weights, crunches, etc. I was on a mission and over-did it but still felt pretty good. I'm really proud of myself as I have been LOVING sitting watching TV (as if that wasn't apparent already), eating entire bags of popcorn (the old fashioned kind), drinking wine and coke classics and smoking an occasional (ok, nightly) ciggy. The de-stress portion of my work-out has come from putting on my green tea masque and sitting in the steam room (with all the naked ladies) while breathing in the steam and quiet. I follow that with a nice little shower and I'm off to home to be greeted by husband and two little beauties that want all my attention.
However, I went bigger than usual yesterday (can I say usual since it's only been about 6 times?). I did the treadmill for 35 minutes, two sets of each of my trainer stuff and then 10 minutes of the elliptical, which is my new fave machine. That shit burns calories like no body's business! During this session, I watched HGTV which is very calming to me, and got many an idea for our tiny backyard landscaping plan which will commence next weekend. Following the work-out I met a lady (started out naked, of course; they sure love the nakedness in this place) in the locker room who was very friendly and Ukrainian, I think. She was asking me how I felt and what I got out of working out since I looked happy and relaxed. I told her about my body needs and about my Mom and we had a very nice, intimate chat about Mothers as hers is sick and she was just visiting with the night before. It's amazing what people will divulge when meeting strangers, like in the gym or on a plane; I'm always amused by this. After I finished getting ready and closed our conversation, I got in the car and totally started crying - out of nowhere and completely uncontrollably. With that, I now think the de-stress and soul soothing is actually working as I felt really good after I got it out and weirdly close to my Mom...hard to explain but wonderful (like she was with me). So, I'm loving it and I'm an addict. However, like I said, my shit hurts today, like need-pain-medication hurts.
Furthermore, I'm like Garfield and I hate Mondays (and love lasagna)...I've had two lattes so far and I think I'm going for a third afternoon special right now...
You see, I'm working with bad genes; I really got the worst of the worst from premature hair loss, teenage acne in my 30's and chubby body. Thank goodness I have "a good personality".
Due to my fat, flat ass (which used to be round and admired but flattened out a few years ago ), huge thighs and calves that don't match (it's like flamingo legs on the bottom, turkey legs on the top) and arms that jiggle like my third grade teacher's did whenever she wrote on the chalkboard, I've decided to join the gym and work on my body, mind and soul. I'd say it's working, as my body feels like it's had the flu for the past month and I cried like a baby after my workout yesterday.
I met with a trainer for my first workout last week and have been going almost daily since. She's very nice and I told her exactly what my goal was: lose weight, get healthy and de-stress. That day, I did a lot of cardio (which I love) with a mix of pilates, weights, crunches, etc. I was on a mission and over-did it but still felt pretty good. I'm really proud of myself as I have been LOVING sitting watching TV (as if that wasn't apparent already), eating entire bags of popcorn (the old fashioned kind), drinking wine and coke classics and smoking an occasional (ok, nightly) ciggy. The de-stress portion of my work-out has come from putting on my green tea masque and sitting in the steam room (with all the naked ladies) while breathing in the steam and quiet. I follow that with a nice little shower and I'm off to home to be greeted by husband and two little beauties that want all my attention.
However, I went bigger than usual yesterday (can I say usual since it's only been about 6 times?). I did the treadmill for 35 minutes, two sets of each of my trainer stuff and then 10 minutes of the elliptical, which is my new fave machine. That shit burns calories like no body's business! During this session, I watched HGTV which is very calming to me, and got many an idea for our tiny backyard landscaping plan which will commence next weekend. Following the work-out I met a lady (started out naked, of course; they sure love the nakedness in this place) in the locker room who was very friendly and Ukrainian, I think. She was asking me how I felt and what I got out of working out since I looked happy and relaxed. I told her about my body needs and about my Mom and we had a very nice, intimate chat about Mothers as hers is sick and she was just visiting with the night before. It's amazing what people will divulge when meeting strangers, like in the gym or on a plane; I'm always amused by this. After I finished getting ready and closed our conversation, I got in the car and totally started crying - out of nowhere and completely uncontrollably. With that, I now think the de-stress and soul soothing is actually working as I felt really good after I got it out and weirdly close to my Mom...hard to explain but wonderful (like she was with me). So, I'm loving it and I'm an addict. However, like I said, my shit hurts today, like need-pain-medication hurts.
Furthermore, I'm like Garfield and I hate Mondays (and love lasagna)...I've had two lattes so far and I think I'm going for a third afternoon special right now...
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
from the mouth of babes (my 4 year old babe, to be exact)
These come out in complete SASSY tones...
- "my goodness gracious!!"
- "my mommy calls me tootsie roll because I'm her baby doll"
- "my mommy calls me beauty because I'm her tootsie roll"
- "you're hurting my life!" she then proceeds to slam her door twice...in most cases, this follows when I don't let her choose her own cereal or don't let her wear a tanktop when it's raining
- "I need some time alone to think"
- "you look like a dream come true today"
- "that dog is ruining my life" - apparently everyone's out for her, this came out just this morning
- "Kyera can you come here for a minute?" that's my name
- "you guys are totally kissing" - when husband and I are hugging
- "excuse me, I'm talking here people!"
- "can we just chill in your bed tonight?
- "to tell you the truth, I just love this muffin!"
I love this crazy child...she's just like me (which does concern be a bit).
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Death of an eyebrow
For the past year I've been trying to erase scars and minimize lines on my face and neck. I plan to look 40 when I'm 60 and I hope I can afford botox by then. I'm all about keeping it fresh and not against using whatever it takes to keep it tight and right.
There is one thing that cannot be changed, however, and that is the loss of my beautiful bushy eyebrows. Why oh why did I feel the need to start waxing at a young age when I had the Brooke Shields thing going on (actually it was the Brooke Shields brows with a girl mullet). I was self-conscious and saw my sister looking hot with her nice shapely brows (and sweet long, feathered hair, which I was even more jealous of)...I decided I need a change and I will forever regret it. Proof?
Here are my 16 year old brows (hard to see, but we get the picture):
OK...here's some croppage after a few years...not too bad...should've stopped there!
And now...
Please feel free to check out the left eye. We all know the brow should start at the top of the eye...for me, it's about an inch off. And the right eye...the "hair" is pretty much non-existent and stops entirely too short. I've tried to grow it out but baby doesn't want to come back. Nope, only the little jackass hard hairs in the middle that are impossible to get out. I've now been forced to DRAW THEM ON! How sad is that? I promise I'm not picking them out because I love the meth, it's because I got wax and pluck happy with no one telling me I've gotten out of control. Notice the sad look on this face...I'm totally mourning the old brows.
Speaking of drag brows, Monday night came the end to my latest guilty pleasure: RuPaul's Drag Race. I can't explain how much I loved this show!
I have my favorites (Nina) and the bitches I loved to hate (Shannel). These guys are crazy amazing. To become a woman from starting at boy is astonishing. Some looked low class (hello, Akashia) and some were just straight insane (Tammie). The one that I think I want to adopt is Ongina. God I love that little girlboy. If you haven't watched this show, you must. It's on Logo and it's fabulous.
Also, the NY Housewives?
Kelly: hate...why the hell did she sign up for this and who the hell is she? Me no likey.
Bethanney: honey, you need a big dose of confidence. Some of the things she says are really funny, but she take things too seriously at times. The jaw's a bit too big and the body's a bit too little.
Jill: damn, she's looking good!!! I must do more crunches tonight. I wanted the long dress with the red and black.
Countess: favorite...even the husband likes her. I thought she looked MUCH better than Kelly the model did in the grey dress and I want one of those, too.
Ramona: keep the eyes in the socket. Oh, by the way, I think your husband cheats. I do like the cute cross necklace, though.
Alex: dear goodness, stand up straight. Also, please walk a little faster...her saunter is just so damn condescending. Her and the hubby make me laugh (not in a good way).
Simon (the 7th housewife): please lay off. Actually, don't because it's amusing.
I love TV.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Bye Mom from the new Parent Trap and reflections on my own Mom
I was very sad to read about the news of Natasha Richardson's passing. I loved her in every movie she was in that I saw and she always exuded grace, unlike a lot of actresses out there. She did a lot of dramatic stuff, but I loved her in the remake of the Parent Trap (that's the movies I get to watch now) and Waking up in Reno. Sad, sad, sad.
I feel for her kids. It's hard to lose a parent and I would've hated it to happen so suddenly and not getting to say goodbye.
My Mom's been gone since November and I still feel as though it was yesterday. I always wondered how people got over the deaths of their loved ones so quickly or couldn't move on for years. Now I understand both sides. I also lost my Dad, but there were years of separation, alcohol and drug abuse and emotional pain. Although it was sad and I miss him dearly, I could accept it within a year. My Mom, on the other hand, is a totally different story. 
She and I were the best of friends even since I was little. I can remember everything we used to do and talk about. She was a single Mom for a long time after my Dad left us when I was 10. Years before that she would keep us protected from everything complicated in their marriage which I look back at now with complete astonishment. I wish I had that in me...I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and everyone knows when I'm stressed or upset...something I need to change. She worked about 3-4 jobs at a time to make ends meet and to ensure we always were fed and clothed and had amazing Christmas gifts (she made it so we believed in Santa until we were about 19). She made all my friends feel comfortable and at home and would help out anyone who needed a meal (she was an amazing Italian cook) a haircut (I miss my cuts) or a mended piece of clothing (she once made me a prom dress in one day). She would also take an entire Sunday out to watch John Travolta marathons with me (we LOVED Urban Cowboy) and I would share a blanket with her and scoot my feet under her butt (just the side cheek) to keep them warm and cozy...it sounds gross but it was something I'd do when she sat down next to me. She supported me through everything and never held anything against anyone or myself. She was great for that...one of the things I miss most. I don't think there was a week that went by that I didn't go to her house after picking up the kids at least 4 days and talk to her for 1/2 and hour to 2 hours. We never got sick of talking about nothing. And, she loved my kids; totally loved them and would do anything for me or them or my husband at anytime.
I have an issue with wanting to always pick up the phone and call her...that's hard. She called me Keery and always sang my name and sang a message on the answering machine. I really have no one to go and talk to after work now and that's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. My Mother-In-Law has been amazing and like a second Mother to me and I thank God I have her to rely on. She understands my loss as she knew and loved my Mom and lost her Mom around the same age. But, there's still that void. I thought I'd be better by now, but I'm not. I think I should rush myself but I can't. I know that many of us have that same relationship with our Moms and we can't even think about losing them. I think there had to be a reason that she was taken early from us. She wasn't the healthiest weight, but rarely had health issues throughout her life. If it weren't for her back pain, we would've never found out that she had cancer...it spread so quickly throughout her body, that once we found out, it was too late. I remember the day we were at the Oncologist office...my bros, sisters and Step dad were there. She was lying down because she couldn't sit anymore and she squeezed my hand and I kneeled down beside her and just rubbed her arm and gave her kisses. I knew that I had given her something back in that moment and that our lives were to change forever.
Things got weird before she passed...for many that have lost someone to cancer, the last weeks/days are incredibly difficult and the person who's sick tends to kind of separate themselves a bit from the rest of the family...not because they don't love them but they're in pain and preparing themselves for the inevitable. My Mom felt guilty about leaving us so we had to reassure her that it was ok. Of course, I was dying inside and wanted to tell her it wasn't but she was in so much pain and you could see she needed to go. We were lucky to have that time before she passed to tell her we loved her...for the kids to sit with her and hug and kiss her and make her smile. One of the longtime wishes she had for us was that we buy a home. We were lucky enough to do so the week before she passed (crazy timing). She couldn't go so we videotaped our entire house. We brought it over about two days before she died and she couldn't talk but while she watched she held my hand and cried. This new house means the world to me and I'm so glad she was a part of that. I know how extremely lucky I was to have her as a Mom...she was beyond amazing and special but now I miss her beyond explanation. And, I need some more time.
I feel like I'm the same person with just a bit of my soul taken away from me, like I'm broken. I'm thankful for my wonderful family and beautiful friends and my sweet loving kids and husband. I know that time will heal but I need a lot more of it.
BTW, the picture above is my Mom and me at a wedding where I was feeling a bit of a buzz and she was just loving me unconditionally, like always.
Ah, blogging therapy is great!!!
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